The Jedi War Series
by gothic-musings
Summary: What happens when a group of Jedi get caught up in a revenge plan? Some of our favorite Jedi get into such a plot and humor ensues.
1. Incident #1

Disclaimer: All the Jedi belong to the great George Lucas except Tahl, who belongs to Jude Watson. I make no money. Do you think I would actually get paid for these stories? If you do, I suggest seeing a shrink. Anyways on with the show.........  
  
Adi Gallia, Depa Billiba, and Tahl are frantically fighting with a little box in Adi's room.  
  
Depa: Hurry up! Get that thing working!  
Adi: Stupid piece of junk! (bangs a small black box on the table)  
Tahl: Give it to me. (Adi hands the box over to Tahl) Just adjust the dial until you hear them.  
Depa: How retarded, Adi.  
Adi: Shut up! I'm not a mechanic, for Force's sake.  
Tahl: Quiet! (holds up hand) I hear them.  
  
Next door, Qui-Gon, Eeth Koth, and Mace Windu are sitting around in chairs, stuffing their faces with various snack foods and guzzling Corellian ale.  
  
Mace: BUUUURRRPPPP!  
  
Adi: Oh, that was attractive, Mace.  
  
(All of the girls laugh.)  
  
Tahl: I wonder how much we missed?  
Depa: Give them time. They'll fill us in.   
Adi: Probably talking about sex, the pigs.  
  
Mace: (glances around) Where's Obi-Wan?  
Qui-Gon: Spending the night with Bant.  
Mace: I swear that boy has a thing for her.  
Qui-Gon: Duh! he's been like that since I've known him.  
Eeth: Anyway. Mace, back to your story.  
Mace: Oh, after she had a couple of drinks, Depa loosened up. She was all over me.  
  
Depa: What in the hell is he talking about? (Adi and Tahl snicker) Shut up! that's not funny.  
Adi: The Sith it's not! This is payback for all the insults I suffered when I had that crush on Qui-Gon.  
Depa: Hey, I wasn't the only one who did that. So did Tahl.  
Tahl: Hey, don't bring me into this.  
Depa: It's true. You made fun of her, too.  
Adi: So how was Mace or were you to drunk to remember?  
Depa: I never did that!  
Tahl: Whatever. Why can't you just admit you had a bit too much to drink?  
Depa: But it was the other way around. HE had too much to drink and I spent the entire night peeling him off of me.  
Adi: Shh! Qui-Gon's saying something.  
  
Qui-Gon: You should have seen the cruel trick I played on Adi Gallia. I think it was about a year ago, you know, when she had that enormous crush on me.  
Mace: Gods, I remember that. (sighs) I wanted to slap those goofy stars out of her eyes.  
Eeth: She always did look for an excuse for the Council to summon you.  
Qui-Gon: Anyway, one day she leaned in close to me like she was planning on kissing me. Well, of course, I got her going and just as she was about to kiss me, I moved my head.  
  
(Laughter erupts from Mace and Eeth)  
  
Adi: I'm going to kill that son of a .........  
Tahl: Now, now. Don't overreact.  
Adi: You have a right to be calm. Those losers haven't said a word about you.  
  
Qui-Gon: I mean how could any woman hope to land me? Half of the temple knows I'm gay.  
  
All women: What!?!  
  
Depa: (bursts into laughter) No wonder you couldn't get to first base.  
Tahl: That is such a lie. He's not gay.  
Depa: And...how...would...you...know? (she says in between laughs)  
Tahl: Please! Every time he gets near me or is in my presence he gets an erection the size of a skytower.  
  
(Adi and Depa laugh harder)  
  
Adi: Shh. They're not finished.  
  
Eeth: Well speaking of flaming, I heard tales that Tahl straddles the fence herself.  
Adi and Depa: Hahaha!!  
Tahl: What the hell? Whatever gave him that idea?  
Depa: Well....  
Tahl: (points finger angrily at Depa) Don't answer that. So I don't mull over men quite as often as you two do. That doesn't make me a lesbian.  
Depa: It makes people wonder.  
Adi: Shush! Who cares if Qui-Gon or Tahl are gay? I'm trying to hear them.  
Tahl: I care!  
Adi: Hush! (all sit quietly for a moment) I don't hear anything. Wait a minute. Do you guys hear an echo?  
Tahl: No, I ...wait, there it is.  
  
(All three turn around to the source and look)  
  
Guys: Busted!  
  
Girls: What!  
  
(Qui-Gon, Mace and Eeth stand in the doorway to Adi's room)  
  
Qui-Gon: We found this in my sock drawer (holds up transmitter) so we bugged your room too.  
  
(Tahl smacks Adi in the back of the head) What were you thinking? I said hide it where he WOULDN'T find it.  
  
Depa: So all that crap you three were saying was a lie?  
  
Mace: Who knows? (shrugging shoulders)  
  
Tahl: (directed to Qui-Gon) So you aren't gay, are you?  
  
Qui-Gon: Maybe. Maybe not. Oh, and by the way if you ladies decide to start rumors with this, we tape recorded the whole thing, so I wouldn't recommend it.  
  
(Eeth holds up a small tape between his thumb and index finger)  
  
Tahl: This is war, you know.  
Adi: You know what they say? Payback's a .......  
  
Eeth: We're well aware of that saying.  
Depa: Well girls, what do you say? They win this round, but we declare official war on them.  
  
(Adi and Tahl raise their hands) Tahl: We second that motion.  
Adi: Motion carried. Be prepared boys.  
  
Guys: Bring it on!  
  
Finis 


	2. Incident #2

Same disclaimer still applies. I don't own any of these characters. Just having a bit of fun with them for a while.  
  
Incident #2  
  
Adi, Depa, and Tahl meet in one of the research rooms of the Temple library.  
  
Adi: So what are we going to do to the boys?  
Depa: I say nail them where it would hurt the most.  
Tahl: Namely their egos.  
Adi: But how?  
  
(All three sit silent, thinking.)  
  
Tahl: I know. A camera droid. It's perfect.  
Depa: Where are we going to get one?  
Tahl: Don't worry. I have connections.  
Adi: (rubs hands together) Who gets to be our first victim?  
Depa: They each deserve it equally. We can draw straws. Whoever gets the shortest straw gets to victimize the one of their choice.  
  
(Depa leaves for a minute and returns with three straws)  
  
Depa: Okay. Each one of you draw.  
  
(Tahl and Adi pull a straw out of Depa's hand)  
  
Tahl: Yes! It's me! I choose Qui-Gon. I'm going to make him regret calling me gay.  
Adi: What do you have in mind? (grins deviously)  
Tahl: Just wait. Meet me in here after lights out.  
  
(Tahl, Depa, and Adi leave the research room)  
  
  
Later that evening..............  
  
Adi and Depa are walking towards the Council room when Qui-Gon sprints past them, his face covered in sweat. Adi stops him.  
  
Adi: Qui-Gon, slow down!  
  
(He stops dead in his tracks and spins on his heel to face them.)  
  
Qui-Gon: Uhh...I have to go.  
Depa: What's wrong with you?  
Qui-Gon: Nothing...just have to take a cold shower.  
  
(Qui-Gon sprints off again toward his quarters)  
(Depa and Adi stare at each other)  
  
Depa: What the hell was that all about?  
Adi: Think it could be Tahl's plan?  
Depa: Possibly. Didn't he say something about a cold shower?  
Adi: I think so, if I'm not mistaken.  
  
(They look at each other and burst into laughter.)  
  
Even later........  
  
The lights power down throughout the temple. Depa, Adi, and Tahl emerge from their separate rooms. Tahl's camera droid floats silently behind her. In a matter of minutes, they arrive in their same meeting spot from earlier that morning.  
  
Adi: Depa and I saw Qui-Gon earlier and he looked...well, frustrated.  
Tahl: Give me a second and I'll show you why.  
  
Tahl hits a button and a small vid screen comes to life on the camera droid. The screen displays an aerial angle of Tahl's quarters.  
  
Tahl: Enjoy the show, ladies.  
Depa: Should I have brought popcorn?  
Tahl: Perhaps, but you'll be laughing so hard, you won't be able to eat.  
Adi: This sounds like you did a good job.  
Tahl: I don't like to brag, but this is payback for us both, Adi. You for being led on by this arrogant ass and for saying I'm gay.  
Depa: Shh! The show's starting.  
  
(The screen flickers and Qui-Gon walks into the shot)  
  
Qui-Gon: (searches around the room) Tahl! Are you in here?  
Tahl: I'm here in the bedroom.  
Qui-Gon: (walks into the bedroom) What are you doing lying down?  
  
(The camera droid floats silently into Tahl's room without being detected by Qui-Gon)  
  
(Tahl is lying on the bed, spread eagle.)  
  
Tahl: I'm just taking a nap before evening meal. Did you need something?  
Qui-Gon: Umm...no, not anything in particular. I just came by to see you.  
Tahl: What for? I thought you were gay? (emphasizes last word)  
Qui-Gon: You know I was just joking when I said that.  
Tahl: I took it seriously.  
Qui-Gon: Oh, come on. You can't be serious.  
Tahl: Oh, but I am. That is unless you can prove otherwise.  
  
(Adi and Depa snort)  
  
Depa: Yeah, I want to see him "prove" it.  
  
Qui-Gon: Come again?  
Tahl: You heard me right.  
  
Tahl gets up from her bed and walks over to Qui-Gon in a seductive manner.  
  
Tahl: (puts hands on his chest) Come on, we both know you aren't gay. I was just teasing.  
  
(Qui-Gon lets out a deep sigh)  
  
Qui-Gon: (grins) So what do you have in mind?  
Tahl: (runs her hands down his chest and stops at the top of his pants) Well...(ushers him to sit on a lounge chair) I'm open to suggestions.  
  
Tahl slowly sits down in Qui-Gon's lap, grinding against him as she does so. A baritone growl erupts from his throat.  
  
Adi: Oh, he is so going to get it.  
Depa: I know!  
Tahl: Shh! The best part is coming up.  
  
Onscreen, Tahl leans her back against his chest, turning her face sideways so her lips are just inches away from his.  
  
Tahl: (whispering) So, how long have you wanted this? (pressing herself against his groin harder)  
Qui-Gon: Oh, you have no idea. A long time.  
  
Qui-Gon begins to run his hands up Tahl's legs and stops at her waist. Sweat is beading on his face and neck, as his cheeks flush red. Tahl reaches her hand between their bodies and clenched Qui-Gon's groin tightly in her hand. You can hear a sharp intake of breath.  
  
Tahl: (whispering) Guess what?  
Qui-Gon: (whispering) What?  
Tahl: You still aren't getting it!  
Qui-Gon: What!?! (his eyes suddenly pop open)  
  
Depa and Adi: HAHAHA!  
Adi: Serves him right!  
  
Onscreen, Tahl gets off of Qui-Gon, laughing as she walks across the room, using the Force to turn on the lights. Qui-Gon stands up from the chair, his erection very apparent.  
  
Qui-Gon: How could you do this to me?  
Tahl: You should have thought about that before you labeled me a lesbian to your dumbass buddies.  
Qui-Gon: Bu...bu...but......  
Tahl: Now go take a cold shower before you burst. (pointing to his crotch)  
  
Qui-Gon hangs his head in defeat and exits the room.  
  
Girls: HAHAHA!!!  
  
(continue laughing until they hear a knock)  
  
Qui-Gon and Mace walk into the research room.  
  
Mace: What's going on in here?  
  
(all three girls point at Qui-Gon and laugh hysterically)  
  
Adi: Ah ha! Busted!  
Qui-Gon: (looking confused) What are you talking abo.... hey what the hell is that! (looks past Depa and see the droid)  
Tahl: Let's call it "Jedi Caught on Tape".  
Qui-Gon: Mace, grab that droid!  
  
(Mace lunges for the droid and misses, landing on the table. The girls continue to laugh as both Mace and Qui-Gon try to catch the droid.)  
  
Tahl: Ha! It's programmed to evade idiots!  
  
Qui-Gon and Mace run after the droid, but Qui-Gon sticks his head in the doorway once more.  
  
Qui-Gon: This isn't over yet. (runs off)  
  
Depa: What if they catch it?  
Tahl: Don't worry. It will escape and go back to my room.  
Adi: That was a pretty funny gag, Tahl.  
Tahl: But I'm not even finished. Tomorrow morning I'm really going to heat things up.  
Adi: So what are you going to do?  
Tahl: I'm not saying. Just make sure you're near a holovid screen tomorrow around 9 o' clock.  
Depa: You wouldn't!  
Tahl: Oh yes I would.  
  
(Depa and Adi burst into laughter)  
  
  
The Next Day...........  
  
Tahl is in the central control room of the Jedi temple, working feverishly at a computer terminal. The camera droid is hovering above her and a long cable trails from it, connecting it to the terminal.  
  
Tahl: (wipes forehead with hand) This is harder than I thought. (punches a few more keys) There, it's done. (reaches over and pushes a button on the droid) Well, Qui-Gon Jinn, you are in for a rude awakening.  
  
All of the computer and holovid screens begin to flicker and flash throughout the temple. Then a video plays replacing anything that was currently being viewed. An image of Qui-Gon inside of Tahl's apartment is playing. At this time, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are meeting with the Jedi Council about an upcoming mission when the datapad in Mace Windu's hand flickers and begins to play the video. He looks down and is caught by surprise.  
  
Mace: Oh, Sith! (clutches datapad to his chest)  
Plo Koon: Master Windu, is everything all right?  
Mace: Not quite.  
Qui-Gon: (furrows brow) What's wrong?  
  
Mace turns the datapad around. There is no sound coming from it, but the image is damaging enough. By now a scene of Tahl in Qui-Gon's lap was playing on the screen.  
  
Qui-Gon: What the hell!?! (stumbles backward)  
  
(Depa and Adi snicker)  
  
Qui-Gon: I don't feel so well. (bends over and positions his head between his legs for balance)  
Obi-Wan: Master, are you all right?  
  
(sudden sounds of laughter echo throughout the temple)  
  
Mace: She wouldn't!  
Adi and Depa: She did! Haha!  
  
Qui-Gon and Mace run outside from the council chamber and take a turbolift down to the central lobby of the temple, where groups of Jedi had gathered. As Qui-Gon steps out of the turbolift, all who had gathered burst into fits of laughter. His cheeks flush a deep crimson.  
  
Qui-Gon: Gods, I'll never live this down.  
  
The crowd parts and Tahl comes forward, clapping all the while.  
  
Tahl: Let's give Master Qui-Gon a hand for his breathtaking performance.  
  
(All start clapping even Mace Windu)  
  
Qui-Gon: (directed at Mace) You traitor!  
Mace: What can I say? You asked for it.  
Tahl: Oh, your turn is coming soon. Don't think we have forgotten about you and Master Eeth.  
  
(Mace looks at Qui-Gon, who is chuckling to himself)  
  
Mace: Uh-oh!  
  
TBC........  
  
Coming soon.............Incident #3 


End file.
